Noticing memory changes in your parents is concerning. Bringing up the topic feels even harder. Many adult children avoid these conversations, fearing they'll upset their parents or damage the relationship. However, early, compassionate conversations can lead to better outcomes for everyone. Here's how to approach these difficult discussions.
Why These Conversations Are So Hard
Understanding the challenges helps you prepare.
For Your Parent
Your parent may be experiencing several fears simultaneously. The fear of losing independence often tops the list—this is frequently their greatest worry. Denial serves as protection, because not acknowledging the problem keeps it from feeling "real." Stigma around cognitive decline creates shame and embarrassment. Grief may already be present as they mourn changes they've noticed themselves. And feeling dismissed is deeply painful—they don't want to be treated like a child.
For You
As the adult child, you face your own challenges. Role reversal feels uncomfortable; it's strange to parent your parent. You fear their reaction because you don't want to hurt them. Uncertainty plagues you since you're not sure if your concerns are even valid. Guilt makes it feel like a betrayal to voice concerns aloud. And your own grief surfaces because watching a parent change is painful.
Before You Talk: Preparation
Gather Specific Observations
Vague concerns are easier to dismiss. Document specific incidents with the date and what happened, who was present, how often similar things occur, and the impact on daily functioning. For example: "Last Tuesday, you called me three times asking about Easter plans, within an hour. You didn't seem to remember our previous conversations."
Educate Yourself
Understand what's normal aging versus potential concern. Normal aging includes occasionally forgetting names or appointments. Concerning patterns include regularly getting lost, personality changes, and safety issues.
Consider Your Goals
What do you hope to achieve? Are you aiming to schedule a doctor's appointment, implement safety measures, start a conversation about the future, or simply express concern and offer support? Knowing your goal helps you stay focused.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Approach the conversation when your parent is rested and relaxed, in a private and comfortable setting, without time pressure, and during a calm period rather than right after an incident.
How to Start the Conversation
Open with Love and Concern
Lead with your relationship, not the problem. Good approaches include: "Mom, I love you, and because I love you, there's something I've wanted to talk about," or "Dad, you mean so much to me. I've been worried about you, and I want to share what I'm noticing."
Avoid opening with statements like "We need to talk about your memory problems," "You're forgetting everything lately," or "I think you might have dementia."
Use "I" Statements
Frame observations from your perspective. Say "I noticed..." instead of "You always..." Say "I felt worried when..." instead of "You scared us when..." Say "I've been concerned about..." instead of "There's a problem with..."
Be Specific but Gentle
Share observations without accusation: "I noticed you've asked me the same question a few times recently. Has that been frustrating for you?" or "Last week when we went to the store together, you seemed unsure about where we parked. Has that been happening more?"
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Invite them to share their experience: "Have you noticed anything different about your memory lately?" "How have you been feeling about things?" "Is there anything you've been worried about?"
Handling Common Responses
If They Deny There's a Problem
Don't argue, present evidence, or try to prove them wrong. Instead, acknowledge their perspective while gently sharing yours: "I understand you feel like everything is fine. Maybe I'm worrying too much. But because I love you, I'd feel better if we just checked with the doctor. Would you be willing to do that for me?"
If They Get Angry
Don't get defensive, escalate, or continue the conversation. Stay calm and validate their feelings: "I can see this upsets you, and I'm sorry for causing that. I love you and would never want to hurt you. We don't have to talk about this now. I just want you to know I'm here for you."
If They Get Sad or Cry
Don't rush to fix things or change the subject. Sit with them in their emotion: "I know this is hard to talk about. It's okay to feel sad. I'm right here with you, and we'll figure this out together."
If They Admit They've Noticed Changes
Don't overwhelm them with next steps or worst-case scenarios. Thank them for sharing and explore gently: "Thank you for telling me that. It takes courage to talk about. Can you tell me more about what you've been noticing? Whatever it is, we'll face it together."
Practical Next Steps
Suggesting a Doctor's Visit
Frame it positively: "There are so many treatable things that can cause memory changes. Let's rule those out." "Dr. Smith should know about this—they might be able to help." "A checkup could give us both peace of mind."
If they resist, try: "Would you do it for me? It would really help me worry less." "What if I schedule it and come with you?" Or tie it to an existing appointment: "When you see the doctor next month, can you mention this?"
Involving Other Family Members
Coordinate with siblings or other family by having a family discussion first to get on the same page. Decide who should lead the conversation. Avoid ganging up—one spokesperson is often best. Ensure consistent messaging if multiple conversations happen.
Maintaining the Relationship
Whatever the outcome, express love and support, respect their autonomy when possible, follow up without pushing, continue normal activities and conversation, and show that you don't see them differently.
What Not to Say
Avoid these phrases: "You have dementia." "You can't remember anything anymore." "You're not safe alone." "We need to take away your car keys." "You're going to need to move to a home."
These statements, even if true, are overwhelming and can damage trust. Focus on immediate, manageable steps instead.
If the First Conversation Doesn't Go Well
Give It Time
One conversation rarely changes everything. Plant seeds and return later: "I've been thinking more about our conversation..." "I read something interesting that made me think of you..." "Your friend at church mentioned something similar..."
Try Different Approaches
Have a trusted friend, relative, or clergy member mention concerns. Suggest cognitive activities without mentioning problems—for example, "I heard about this app called SilverMind—want to try it together?" Tie into their interests: "I read that your hobby can help keep your mind sharp."
Know When to Involve Professionals
If concerns are serious and your parent won't engage, consult with their doctor (you can share concerns even if you can't get information back), consider involving a geriatric care manager, and recognize that if safety is immediate, more direct action may be needed.
Taking Care of Yourself
These conversations are emotionally draining. Seek support by talking to friends, a therapist, or a caregiver support group. Set realistic expectations since change takes time. Practice self-compassion—you're doing something hard and loving. Maintain your own health because you can't help if you're burned out.
A Sample Conversation
Here's how a conversation might flow:
Adult Child: "Mom, do you have a few minutes? I wanted to talk with you about something."
Parent: "Of course, what is it?"
Adult Child: "Mom, I love you so much, and I've been a little worried lately. I've noticed you've been asking me the same questions sometimes, and last week you seemed a bit confused about our dinner plans. I'm not trying to upset you—I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling."
Parent: "Oh, everyone forgets things at my age. You worry too much."
Adult Child: "You're probably right. I know some forgetfulness is normal. I just care about you so much. Would you consider mentioning it to Dr. Smith next time you see her? That would make me feel better, and maybe she can confirm everything is fine."
Parent: "I suppose I could mention it."
Adult Child: "Thank you, Mom. That means a lot to me. And whatever she says, I want you to know I'm here for you, always. Now, should we figure out our plans for this weekend?"
Remember: Your goal isn't to have a perfect conversation. It's to open a door, express love, and take a small step forward together.
Research & References
- Talking to Patients and Families About Dementia - National Institute on Aging
- Family Communication and Alzheimer's Disease - Alzheimer's Association
- Strategies for Discussing Memory Concerns - Gerontologist Journal
- Breaking Bad News About Dementia - BMC Geriatrics
- Caregiver Communication Guide - Family Caregiver Alliance
- When a Parent Has Dementia: Communication Strategies - Johns Hopkins Medicine
