If your parent lives hours away, or in another country, worry can feel constant: Are they eating properly? Did they take their pills? Would anyone notice if something went wrong? Long-distance caregiving is common, and while you can't be there every day, there's a lot you can do from afar.
The National Institute on Aging describes long-distance caregivers as people who help from a distance with everything from finances to arranging care to emotional support. Here are 15 practical tips, grouped into staying connected, getting organized, building local help, making visits count, and looking after yourself.
Staying Connected
1. Set a regular call time
A call at the same time each day or week gives your parent something to look forward to and gives you a baseline. You'll start to notice when they sound different.
2. Make video calls easy
A tablet on a stand, set up to answer with one tap, makes video calls far less fiddly. Our guide to setting up an iPad or iPhone for an elderly parent walks through it.
3. Give calls something to be about
Conversation can run dry when every call is "How are you?" Try a shared activity: reading the same book, watching the same program, asking a reminiscence question each week, or each playing the same short game and comparing notes. SilverMind, our own app of calm brain exercises for older adults, suggests three short exercises a day; you can each play on your own device, or in a browser at silvermind.app/play, and chat about how it went.
4. Notice changes
Listen for things like repeated questions, missed appointments, unopened mail, weight loss, a messy home or a new reluctance to go out. Our list of early signs of cognitive decline in parents explains what's worth raising with a doctor, and how to talk to your parents about memory concerns helps with the conversation.
Getting Organized
5. Build a contact list
Collect names and numbers for neighbors, close friends, the GP or primary care doctor, specialists, the pharmacy, the landlord or building manager, and anyone who helps at home. NIA suggests keeping this in a shared online document or spreadsheet that family members can update.
6. Gather key information
With your parent's agreement, keep a record of their medicines, conditions, insurance, bank and utility accounts, and where important papers are kept. Having it in one place saves panic in an emergency.
7. Take on tasks that work from a distance
Many jobs don't need you in the room: paying bills, ordering prescriptions and groceries online, booking appointments, handling insurance calls, researching options for care. NIA lists these among the ways long-distance caregivers can help.
8. Sort out legal permissions early
Ask whether your parent would like someone to have power of attorney for finances and health, and make sure doctors know who can be told what. It's far easier to arrange while everyone is well. A local lawyer or legal aid service can explain the options where your parent lives.
Building Local Help
9. Find services near your parent
In the US, the Eldercare Locator (1-800-677-1116) connects you with the local Area Agency on Aging, which knows about in-home help, meals, transportation and day programs. Elsewhere, local councils, health services and charities for older people are good starting points.
10. Support the person nearby
Often a sibling, neighbor or friend does most of the hands-on help. Ask what would make their life easier, take over tasks you can do remotely, and offer to cover a few days so they can have a break. NIA's guide to sharing caregiving responsibilities has advice on dividing tasks fairly and keeping a shared calendar.
11. Build a small safety net
A neighbor who has a spare key, a friend who calls in on Wednesdays, a medical alert button for someone living alone, a smoke alarm someone has actually tested. Small things add up. Our home safety checklist covers the house room by room.
Making Visits Count
12. Plan visits with a purpose
Besides enjoying time together, use visits to check the fridge and medicine cabinet, look for hazards, meet the doctor or neighbors, and talk through any decisions. Try not to fill every hour with jobs, though.
13. Leave things easier than you found them
Set up a pill organizer, label the TV remote, enlarge text on the phone, put frequently used numbers on the fridge, and stock up on essentials. For ideas to keep a parent busy and engaged between visits, see activities for seniors living alone and our list of hobbies for seniors.
Looking After Yourself
14. Expect guilt, and keep it in proportion
NIA notes that long-distance caregivers often feel guilty about not being closer or doing enough. That's normal. Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't.
15. Get support for you too
Talk to friends, join a caregiver support group (many meet online), and protect your own sleep and health. Our article on caregiver burnout and self-care has realistic ideas for busy people.
When It's Time for More Help
If your parent needs more care than calls, visits and local services can provide, it may be time to look at more in-home support, assisted living or a care home. Talk it through with your parent, their doctor and the rest of the family. If they do move, our guide to what to do when visiting a parent in a care home helps make visits feel easier.
Research & References
- What Is Long-Distance Caregiving? - National Institute on Aging
- Long-Distance Caregiving: How Can I Help if I'm Far Away? - National Institute on Aging
- Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities - National Institute on Aging
- Eldercare Locator - U.S. Administration for Community Living
